Guild Wars: A Retelling
by Daltonian
Summary: Follow the incredible and somewhat ironic adventure through Tyria. A Guild Wars satire.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Before the Storm

'So this is it,' I thought. 'This is where the hours of training finally end.'

I wasn't exactly sure what I had been training for, which was quite odd, but to be fair we are in the middle of some kind of war. However, at the moment it was quite a nice war with little rabbits hopping around the green fields, and lots of lovely autumn fields, which was somewhat surprising.

I suddenly materialize in this large city. Again the materialization seemed somewhat odd, but I just decided to go with it. The town crier stood in front of me.

'Hero! Go and deliver this message to Warmaster Tydus.'

'Who is Warmaster Tydus?'

'The heavily armoured man standing at the bottom of those steps.'

'The man who is literally ten steps away from here?'

'Yup.' He replied.

'So why do you have to call someone to help you deliver it? What are you, paraplegic?'

'You know you could've taken the message in the time we have been talking, douche.' He replied.

I approached the, for some reason, heavily armoured man, standing by Ascalon gate.

'Warmaster Tydus?' I asked him.

'I think the true question is… why are you looking so sexy?' said the worryingly drunk Warmaster, who staggered, and then threw up all over the ground beneath him.

I stepped back warily.

'This guy is in charge of the military?' I asked the town crier.

'Yeh,' he replied, 'unfortunately, upon King Alberdern's selection of staff, he was off his face on cheap Zu Heltzer brand Larger, and held a drinking competition to select his Military chief, head surgeon and Royal Architect.'

Suddenly the incredibly tall buildings, without openable doors or windows, made a lot more sense.

'Anyway, I am supposed to tell you to go and check the wall for breaches.'

'The Wall?'

'Yes the Great Northern Wall to be exact.' He said 'It was a giant wall built by the royal architect to ensure our enemies can never break through.'

'A WALL! Who the fuck thought that the best way to keep our enemies at bay, would be a giant fucking wall! I mean can you people think of no better way to spend the military budget? This isn't Lord of the Rings you know!'

'Well…' he replied, 'I mean it has worked so far, our enemies have never broken through the wall.'

'THERE'S A MASSIVE FUCKING GAP IN THE WALL! OUR ENEMIES MUST NEED SOME KIND OF EYE SURGERY!'

We set off to the wall.

'It's not a very big wall, is it. Seriously, if our enemies weren't as militarily retarded as us, they would've, I don't know, climbed over it? I mean it's not like someone is guarding the fucker is it!'

'Ehh stop complaining, we have work to do.'

We both scouted the area out, walking down the length of the wall.

'No, nothing.' I said, 'But what do you expect, a massive sign saying INVADE HERE. I mean…'

A set of three arrows flew from the forests on the other side of the wall, hitting the town crier in the chest, who fell from the top of the wall with a startled yelp.

Grabbing hold of my fire staff, I raised it up in the air. 'FIRE STORM!' I yelled, feeling like a bit of a prat. It worked though, and fire fell from the skies all around me, striking Charr around me and turning them into small barbeque bites.

'Wow, you would think there would be more collateral damage than that…' I thought.

(Meanwhile where two Ascalon guards where standing by the wall.)

'Lovely day isn't it?' said Private Thackery.

'Aye it is,' replied Lieutenant Frenta, 'considering we only have one discernable season I think we're pretty lucky.'

A burst of flame smashed down into the ground behind Thackery.

'What the hell was that?' he asked his now flaming companion.

'Wait are you on fire?'

'Looks like it doesn't it.'

'Shame no-one seems to have thought of a procedure to put it out.'

'Well it seems like the kind of thing that would go out eventually.'

The men stood around for some time longer, smouldering slightly.

(Meanwhile back at the wall)

'Are you okay there?' I asked the town crier.

'DO I FUCKING LOOK OKAY? I'VE GOT THREE FUCKING ARROWS IN MY CHEST!'

'See this is why you didn't make it past town crier, you have some public relations issues to sort…'

'I'M DYING HERE!'

'Come on then, I'll take you back to Ascalon, I'll just go and get your bow.' I told him.

I climbed the wall, to see a sight more than somewhat shocking.

I stared.

Four hundred Charr stared back at me.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Ebony & Ivory

'Ahh…' I said, 'Sooooo then… erm aaare you guys new to Ascalon? You look like it because you…'

I shut up at the first growl.

I start to run at the second.

I was two hundred feet from the wall, and ran with desperation towards it. Fortunately, I could pretty much maintain the same speed upon running, without tiring… pretty much ever. Things were weird like that.

Still, I wouldn't have made it, not by a long shot.

Suddenly, fifty Ascalonian archers, led by a shuddering Warmaster Tydus appeared on top of the wall. A barrage of arrows and cheap larger bottles flew down upon the Charr.

'That's right you bashtards! Go back to Wales and drown while you're there, I'm watching y…' Tydus was cut off as he fell from the wall.

(Meanwhile in a clearing fifty feet from there.)

Three Charr stood, dragging a large cauldron to the centre of the clearing.

'Okay guys,' the lead one said, 'we CANNOT fuck this one up this time.'

'You realise Vatlaaw, that by saying that, you instantly show us up as cheap cartoon villains. I thought we talked about image here.'

'You know Haash, you have an excellent point, through mass negative human propaganda, we have been painted as evil beasts, as well as showing us as the primary antagonists to the entire concept of civilisation. As a matter of fact when studying the third paragraph of the Charr's complete anthology of psychology…'

(Meanwhile)

'Are you quire sure you are done falling down sir?' the soldier asked

'Quite… quite sure. We should move out soldiers, we never can know what those dastardly Charr are up to. Savage animals.'

'Sir! Charr activity has been sighted just a few hundred feet down the wall! We should move now.'

'Letsh go! Move out men!'

We continued along the path of the wall until we noticed a small, smouldering effigy, carved with Charr insignia. We heard voices.

'Was there really this need to start a fire?' said one. 'You know from our leaflets, the importance of forests to our community and ecosystem are heavily stressed…'

'OPEN FIRE!'

The Ascalonians did just that.

A rain of arrows, fell upon the three Charr, impaling one, but allowing the other two to find cover. The Charr leader roared.

'YOU'RE ALL DEAD! EVERY ONE OF YOU!'

'…I mean you did provoke us…' added the other, trying to hastily justify.

'ENOUGH OF THIS! COMMENCE, THE SEARING! DEATH TO HUMANS, LONG LIVE THE CHARR!'

'You aren't even trying anymore, are you?'


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 Preview: The Fall

Farmer Dirk stood, admiring the view. He found that this was, increasingly all he ever did. Maybe a light stroll from time to time, but these days, it was all about the sunset. It was somewhat surprising what little farming he actually did, considering his profession and first name. His good friend, Watchman Burns came over to him.

'Nice day don't you think?' Burns said.

'I couldn't agree more. The advantage of only one discernable season, is that we have the best one.'

Dirk stood for longer, and suddenly angled his head.

'Do you hear that?' he said.

'Hear what?'

'That whooooooooooo sound.'

'What whooo-'

Watchman Burns was no longer there when Dirk looked at where he had been. Well rather, he was still there, but much more flat, spread out and on fire than before.

'Huh…'

(Meanwhile)

'What the hell are they doing?' I yelled at the town crier.

'Well, it looks like they're using that giant magic cauldron, to make bursts of fire, or possibly crystals, rain down upon us and to destroy our giant wall.' He replied

'….'

'..really?' I said, 'We're barely five minutes into this and this is the storytelling we're reverting too! You know what I don't even care anymore, sure lets go with this magic-cauldron shit.'

We fought off the remaining Charr, until they retreated into the hills.

'So what now?' I asked. 'Now that the wall has been damaged by fireballs and/or crystals, shouldn't we… you know, build another one? Maybe one without a large gap in it this time.'

'NO!' yelled Warmaster Tydus, 'We should retreat, give up large amounts of land, allow all the land to become dry and arid somehow, and live in the ruins of the major cities…'

'but… how would that help…'

'Shut up! We do things my way! Oh, and also, you need to disappear for two years.'

'What! But that's retarded, I could help you guys out so much…'

'Hmm, that is true, with your fire magic, you could burn and destroy our own perfectly good houses and crops maybe a few screaming citizens…'

'See you fuckers in two years then.'

Thanks for reading. Reviews = More chapters.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Guess who's back?

(Picture the scene; it is two years later in Ascalon City. Everything is different, yet a tinge of the original Ascalon remains. Inexplicably, whilst the land has faced a shocking amount of soil erosion and desertification, and destruction has taken place on a monumental scale, very few people seem to have aged. At all. Also, no wounds, missing limbs, crying orphans, begging widows, or young male farmers, forcing to whore themselves out now that the crops had failed. The significance of this war seems somewhat overplayed it seems.)

I arrived at Ascalon, two years since I had last been here. I think. I seemed to have a blank space in my memory for the last two years, as if I had been drunk this whole time, and now, I finally get to face the hangover. I saw a familiar face, my old 'friend' Warmaster Tydus.

'Tydus! What the hell happened?' I said, 'I've been away for like two years… and literally everything is in ruins! This supposed invasion looks like someone has fired Ascalon into the sun!'

Tydus vomited, clearly the war hadn't helped his drinking problems. He probably hadn't even heard what I'd said.

'Acchh! You! My old friend!' he said, finally spotting me, 'You could help ushh out you know.'

Knowing I had little option but to help, 'Fine. What can I do for you?'

'Go and check the Great Northern Wall, and… I don't know, look for some Charr or something,' he slurred. 'And grab us another crate of Fosters while you're down there.'

I trudged dejectedly to the shattered remains of the Northern Wall. At this point it had very little function as a Wall, due to the large holes in it. How it was still treated as a military structure was beyond me, but I had a strong hunch that the decision had been made on copious amounts of vodka. Three figures waited for me at the wall.

'Hi!' they chorused, 'We're your three henchmen!'

'I'm Stefan the fighter.' The one in tough steel said.

'I'm Orion the mage.' The one in colourful but trusty looking reinforced armour said.

'And I'm Aleysia the healer!' The one in a ridiculously impractical leather corset said.

'Errm how long have you guys been standing here…?'

So the four of us wandered over towards the Charr camp on the other side of the wall.

'So errrm… you guys have any hobbies?' I asked, trying to make conversation

'…'

'…'

'…'

'You guys don't say much out of the outpost do you.'

There was no response. The area was completely silent, except for the subtle dramatic music blaring out of somewhere.

(Eventually)

'Jesus, that's a lot of devourers. Does it strike anyone else as odd, that at the moment Ascalon's greatest heroes are essentially glorified bug exterminators?'

The massive group of Charr loomed in front of us.

'Holy shit, that's a lot of Charr. Still I'm sure we have some fortunate, desperate yet wacky plan to dispose of them and save Ascalon from their threat once and for all!'

The large group moved forward in a constant stream, worryingly quickly.

'Errm… so any wacky yet desperate plans would be appreciated about now…'

Orion tenatively picked up a neighbouring rock, and tossed it into the turmoil of approaching Charr.

'Unless that's some super-charged magic rock, I don't think I've got the best military minds here. Run?'

We ran, with the Charr just at our heels, but once past the border of the Northern Wall, we knew we were safe. The Charr had no choice but to respect the looming defensive strength of the completely shattered wall.

'Congratulations heroes! You found the Charr. And led them straight to us! Got any more amazing plans? Maybe we should put all our weapons down and throw our women and children at them, and hope that fills them up so they won't care about us! Dick.'

My old friend the town crier was back to greet me.

'Ohh hey there asshole.' I responded. 'I was missing your constant negativity, it's just great for morale here.'

After a few more minutes of sarcasm, we were all dragged into an emergency war council.

'Did you bring the fostersshh?' he slurred.

'No. But…'

'Right then! Itshhh time to make these filthy creatures pay once and for all! We're going to retake the wall! FOR THE BOOZE!'


	5. Chapter 5 Part One

Chapter 5: Fort Ranik – Part One

(The glorious leaders of Ascalon's final line of defence stand, staring into the distance at the Great Northern Wall. Of course by glorious leaders, I mean a drunk pensioner, an obnoxious elementalist, and an even more obnoxious town crier, whose role seemed more and more unnecessary over time. So yeah, glorious leaders. Then again, what do I know, I'm only the narrator.)

I stared out over the land which had been taken from us by the Charr, feeling a surprising amount of anger and patriotism about the entire act. I then stared at my companions which brought me back to reality.

"Don't worry fellash…" Tydus said, "I have a plan…"

"Let me stop you right there," I inquired, "Is this plan in any way linked to the idea of sending an improbably small team of four people, to take on the entire warband that drove back the entire Ascalonian army, somehow win , and then have your soldiers magically appear behind us, so we can say it was a team effort?"

"Nope."

"Really?"

"Yupp, now you have to take a large detour rescue this arbitrary guy's son."

"Son of a bitch."

(Some time later, our hero finds himself about to enter the battlefield)

"Now I need a team to perform this almost certain suicide mission, some highly trained people with experience in covert operations and infiltration."

"Ohh don't worry," smirked the town crier, "We have just the team for you."

"Really?" I replied, "That would be really helpf… WAIT A MINUTE ITS THOSE IDIOT HENCHMEN ISN'T IT?"

As a response, in wandered Orion, Alyssa and Stefan.

"Ahh good they finally found the battlefield."

"…"

"Okay good luck out there then, we'll send in a squad to clean up your remains… I mean reinforce your position as soon as possible."

"I hate you so much." I responded, and we set out.

(Author's Note: Hey guys, thanks for reading, I am really trying to update when I can, but have been really busy recently. Part two of this should be out by next week. Thanks for reading and reviewing!)


	6. Chapter 5 Part Two

(Our four heroes approach Fort Ranik. The part of the landmass named 'Fort Ranik' which was the actual fort, was a little ambiguous, as it just appeared to be a set of desecrated and deserted buildings on top of a non-descript land mass. However, I'm not going to research this, and as I'm the narrator, let's just call the entire area Fort Ranick for simplicity's sake.)

'All right guys.' I said, 'The mission is clear, and of vital importance. We need to clear out these arbitrary groups of Charr. They may have a larger force than us, and they may have us on the retreat, but goddamn it we will win this fight! If not for Ascalon, then for the sake of huma… FOR FUCKS SAKE ORION , FOR THE LAST TIME NO I DO NOT WANT TO PLAY CATCH!'

Orion drooped his head, dejectedly.

I took deep breaths, to actually gain something constructive out of these three would probably be more difficult than this entire battle.

We approached the gates of the fort. Orion ran up to the entrance.

'What… but what dark magic is this?' he stuttered. 'The doors aren't wide open!

There isn't even a generic, tactically ridiculous lever for us to pull to open the door!'

'That's called a lock Orion. That's what people use to keep other people away from nice things.'

Orion stuttered and gasped, lost for words.

'He has a point Hero, these things usually are a lot easier.' Alyssa said. 'Usually fortified positions don't even have gates at all. It's just the way things are.'

'Are you guys telling me you've never faced a locked door? And you weren't prepared for this possibility ever coming up?'

Alyssa looked away, suddenly very interested in a bit of mud by her shoe.

I sighed. 'Well the door may be big yes… but come on its solid wood. I'm a fire mage. Orion is a fire mage. This shouldn't be a difficult logic puzzle.'

Stefan screwed up is has face in thought.

'I'm not following.' he said.

'Wood? Wood has a tendency to… you know burn? When it gets near fire and other hot things.'

'Ahhh.'

Stefan's face lit up.

'Still not following.'

'Yeah me neither,' agreed Alyssa.

'Seriously? We could burn the door down? Or at least hit it a bit with our weapons, it doesn't even look that sturdy?'

'Ohh that would never work.' Orion chimed in. 'Magic doesn't work on inanimate objects. Or rabbits. Or green people.'

'Does he even know where he is or what's gong on?' I asked, genuinely perplexed.

'Orion was never intellectually gifted, but the man has a point,' Stefan interjected. 'Magic can only be used on a very specific targets. In fact interactions as a whole can only take place with a very specific number of things.'

'You guys are ridiculous,' I responded. 'Here, look.'

I ran to the door.

'FLARE!'

The door remained remarkably not on fire.

'…. Why isn't it working?' I gasped.

'It's like we said. Maybe our five benevolent creators just thought those two elements should never interact. Or they just lacked the patience and foresight to predict the

outcome when they did. The Five work in mysterious ways.'

I groaned.

'So we just need to sit here, and wait until the Charr finally get tired of our loitering and come out to issue a restraining order? I don't see it happening.'

Silence… Then the unimaginable.

'I have an idea,' said Orion.


	7. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: The Best Laid Plans…

Torch Spitfur stood, admiring the formidable defences of the Fort the Charr forces were currently occupying.

'Full kudos to our tactics, brothers,' he mused 'It IS much more easy to go and take other people's forts, rather than build our own.'

The Charr around him snorted and shivered in agreement. A lone voice rose up.

'No that's great and everything Torch… and congratulations to all you guys here, because lets face it, you are the ones who really made it happen, its all thanks to you, its just…'

'TITANS damn it! Rrack who invited you? I thought we had ditched you back it Surmia.'

'Whoa dude, spoilers much? And yeah I feel we need to talk about that, I have feelings too you know!' Rrack replied, hurt.

'To be fair Rrack, we sent you out to get a left-handed siege tower. How you could even have comprehended that something existed is beyond me.'

'I'm a diligent soldier Torchie. That's how. At the end of the day, my dilligance is what launched my military career, rose me through the ranks, and bestowed upon me the greatest honour our kind has… a first name.' Rrack sat back smugly.

'Don't call me TORCHIE!' Spitfur bellowed. 'Why are you even here?'

'The Shamans sent me here to touch base, see the strength of your position, make sure morale was still up, check that the cranberry juice was still abundant, yadda yadda yadda…'

'Things could not be better! The cowardly enemy have been completely overrun with almost no resistance! We could hold this position for years, and we anticipate that any possibility of a counter-attack is negligible. That does bring to me one point though…'

'Ohh don't go there Torchie, we've been over this.'

'Rrack this is ridiculous! We need to change our tactics! We have a perfect opportunity!'

'Hey! Amongst our ranks are some of the finest military minds of this generation! Do you really think they could ALL be wrong?'

'Rrack…'

Rrack interrupted, 'The THREE GOLDEN RULES! Recite them to me!'

'…'

'Torchie you are up for performance review this week, and unless you want to be transferred for a stint as a security guard at the mandragor petting zoo, I'd imagine you'd want to stay away from these kinds of ground-breaking ideas. Now those golden rules?'

'…sigh… Rule one. Press absolutely no offensive, even if you have a major advantage in numbers, position and strategy, until all 916 health and safety forms have been filled, workers insurance is sorted, and approval is gained from both the appropriate union rep and/or supervisor.'

'Damn straight. Bureaucracy saves lives Spitfur. The legal coverage required of a massive troop movement like this is mind boggling. Rule number two?'

'I cannot believe we got these passed… Rule two. Upon capturing a point of strategic importance, a strategic point, a secure perimeter, based upon line of sight and alert systems, is not to be set up. Instead medium sized groups are to patrol the area and instantly confront any potential enemies without alerting any other groups… god I feel stupider just reading this.'

'Hey, come on now Torch. Secure perimeters cost money, and with Shaman elections coming up, we honestly can't afford to raise taxes any more.

'…'

'I'd say its because of our promises of an efficient tyrannical dictatorship, our campaign planners thought that would be a real vote winner, but if anything its had the opposite effect! It's like the people don't know what's best for them.'

'Please stop talking before I hurt you.'

'Settle down there big guy, now, rule three? The most important rule of them all, which has kept the Charr race on top for centuries?'

'Please don't make me say it. I feel like I lose IQ points just thinking it.'

'Say it Torch, or you'll be Doomlore tour guide before you can say graaargh.'

'I don't believe it. FINE. Rule three. Always… GRAAARGH! What the fuck is that? By the gate!'


End file.
